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Not Dead Yet

February 14, 2009

My last post was a bit sour. I wrote about my dreams dying. Apparently it isn’t dead yet. Although on some levels I feel like it’s going through one of those dire situations. Where the doctor somberly tells the family that there is nothing more that can be done. We can only make your loved-one comfortable.

The cynicism and negativity, while not at all good for self-esteem and motivation to keep going, also has affected me spiritually. I’ve done things recently that I told myself I’d never do. I acknowledge my own spiritual weakness right now. I’d like to think that had I been in better shape, so to speak, I’d have been able to avoid temptation.

As it is, though, I have to live with who I am and what I have done. I read things in the Bible, but not with the same… I’m kind of at a loss for words… But not with the same fervor or faith. There’s skepticism where once there was hope.

It’s hard to believe something when circumstances argue against it. Years ago I probably would go on about why we have to have faith. Because we have to believe in something that isn’t really there.

Now I feel that there’s faith… and then there’s delusion. Do we hope when there’s no reason to hope?

It’s funny — in an odd sort of way. I don’t mind buying a lottery ticket and hoping for a jackpot even though the odds of winning it are staggering. And yet I have trouble hoping for certain things. Things from God. Like help.

And that leaves me in a weird sort of way. I’ve always grown up hearing and believing about how I should trust God. And now that I doubt, I’m left in this middle ground where I feel like I should, but I don’t think it will work.

Hmm… I don’t know if I have the words to express my feeling. I re-read my previous paragraph and it doesn’t sound right. Maybe it’s because the feelings don’t really make sense. I want to hope. And I think I still do hope. But I don’t want to. And I don’t think I do either.

It’s like there’s two different people…

But the internal struggle, I suppose, is good. At least I know I’m alive.


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